Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need water and some morals
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
