I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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