I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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