I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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