you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
