Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
