totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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