Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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