forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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