the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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