So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
