There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize