Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize