tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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