I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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