In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
