He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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