Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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