I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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