He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
