he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
