Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
