I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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