Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize