oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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