There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
