Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
