I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
