I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
