We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
