So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
