i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize