He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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