I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
