Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's blow job season.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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