There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
