she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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