He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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