Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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