Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
