i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's blow job season.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
