I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
