So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
