I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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