you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She said her name was "party"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
