you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
