i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
