Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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