Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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