you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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