my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ladies don't puke and tell
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just puked most of my soul out..
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