dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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