my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
