I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
