Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You've changed since you got that strap on
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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