Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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