no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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