You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
