yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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