Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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